{"id":704,"date":"2025-08-11T08:26:00","date_gmt":"2025-08-11T14:26:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jewlee.com\/?p=704"},"modified":"2026-03-24T08:32:57","modified_gmt":"2026-03-24T14:32:57","slug":"%f0%9f%a7%9f%e2%99%80%ef%b8%8fi-probably-wouldnt-survive-a-zombie-apocalypse-%f0%9f%a7%9f%e2%99%80%ef%b8%8f","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jewlee.com\/?p=704","title":{"rendered":"🧟‍♀️I (Probably) Wouldn\u2019t Survive A Zombie Apocalypse 🧟‍♀️"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I happened to come across the following email draft from about a decade ago and it made me laugh so hard that I\u2019m reposting it here for your viewing pleasure. The beginning is a pitch made by a television producer and what follows is my response that for some reason, I never sent. I\u2019m not sure that they ended up making the show, but if they did I\u2019m certain that I\u2019d have been at the top of list of contestants. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be hunted down by the walking dead?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If an apocalypse struck this could happen to you! Male or female. Old or young.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Would you have the creativity, mental ability and survival skills to pass the ultimate test?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A brand new BBC Three reality series is looking for contestants. So whether you’re a zombie fanatic, love the thrill of being scared or just think you’ll look good being chased by zombies, we want to hear from you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whatever your reason, we want to know why you’d like to take part, what personal attributes you would use to survive and why we should pick you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My (unsent) response:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Subject: Please let me scream dramatically into your cameras. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dearest BBC Three Zombie Selection Committee, <\/p>\n\n\n\n

 Let\u2019s cut to the chase: I want to be on I Survived A Zombie Apocalypse for the same reason I once ate an entire family-sized bag of chips in one sitting: to prove that I can. Sure, doomsday preppers have their bunkers, their canned beans, and their suspiciously detailed zombie-head-smashing flowcharts. But let\u2019s be real: those folks are just cosplaying as survivalists. Meanwhile, I\u2019ve spent years honing my true apocalypse skill set: arguing with Siri, surviving on 2 hours of sleep, and sprinting to catch the bus (only to watch it drive away). If that\u2019s not \u201cresilience,\u201d then I\u2019m sure I don\u2019t know what is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But why do I want to participate? Simple. I want to answer one of humanity\u2019s most pressing questions: Can a person survive a horde of the ravenous undead using only sarcasm, a half-charged iPhone, and a pocketful of Haribo gold bears? Spoiler: Probably not. But watching me try would make for some glorious television. Imagine the drama! The suspense! The moment I inevitably trip over my own shoelaces and yell, \u201cJUST EAT MY ASS, PLEASE! THERE\u2019S FAR TOO MUCH OF IT ALREADY!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But wait! You\u2019re probably thinking, \u201cWhy should we pick you over some gym rat with a hero complex?\u201d Simple: Gym rats lack panache. I won\u2019t \u201cbravely sacrifice myself for the team.\u201d I\u2019ll shove Karen from HR into a zombie\u2019s path, scream \u201cSORRY, PERFORMANCE REVIEWS ARE NEXT WEEK!\u201d, and bolt. That\u2019s not cowardice, it\u2019s innovative problem-solving. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s a short list of \u201cpersonal attributes\u201d that I bring to the table:<\/p>\n\n\n\n